I will die if light touches me.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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