I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize
