i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
This baby is an asshole
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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