I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
