I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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