what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
