so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
This girl is more easily done than said...
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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