A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
