I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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