I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
