I'm going to jail i love you
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
sick fucks of a feather flock together
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
