thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
