Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
your like the ambassador to my penis.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
