you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
