I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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