I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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