i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
