i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
