Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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