I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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