I am in a vortex of obligation.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
