Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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