I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
