she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
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