So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
