We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
