im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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