He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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