so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
