Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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