I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
