My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
