Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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