if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
