Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
