i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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