happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he thought i was a dude.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
