remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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