so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
