He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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