Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
