Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
