I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
