Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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