the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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