I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
