Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
