this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
