He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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