Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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