if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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