Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Two words: nipple clamps
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