Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize